Monday, May 2, 2011


with a dismissal, i crumble
the repeated pattern of it
setting myself up for it
for rejection after rejection
unceasingly picking at a wound
open, moving, falling under

letting it absorb me into its depths
and i sit here and wonder

how i can continually hurt myself
over and over and over
never stopping, never letting up
waiting for the ultimate elimination.
that severing of a friendship
and knowing that i deserve it

because i set myself up
reaching out in a momentary fit

the itch was too strong,
the depression too deep
the habit too ingrained in me
at this point in my life
and for once i prefer the silence
to an answer because i don't want

a bad answer, the wrong answer
to my game, my constant taunt

a game that i keep losing
i can't sit with these bad feelings.
i can't sit with good ones either.
i'm hyper-vigilant trying to
calm down, cheer up, chill out
anything other than what i'm feeling

never allowed to just sit and encounter
never allowed to give into any healing


  1. this is a sad one to me...maybe its b/c i am at the hospital with a kid right now and in many ways you are channeling the feelings i am getting from him right now...

  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your kid. This is a sad one. Move uplifting ones to come soon enough I'm sure, I hope.

  3. "and knowing that i deserve it..." not if, but when; always waiting for it.

  4. healing is something we sometimes have
    to give in to, isn't it.
    funny that.
    loved that line.
    your poetry stirs me.