"A good puzzle, it's a fair thing. Nobody is lying. It's very clear, and the problem depends just on you." ~ Erno Rubik
A fragment of wisdom collides with me.
I can feel my body falling away,
As my stomach landslides inside itself.
Panic follows along, to crackle nerves.
My head explodes from pressures created,
While senses struggle to read it's message,
Unable to stretch themselves far enough.
Yet understanding is within my reach.
Demons have been exorcised while it waits
Patiently to bestow on me it's hope
In slivers of time, in rhythms of life.
A puzzle to solve, with pieces strewn and,
Snapped into place, they reveal what this is
That has impaled itself into my heart.
Li writes awesome prose on her blog Flash Fiction. You should go check it out when you have a chance. Her writing draws you in, she even had me forgetting that it was fiction and thinking she was struggling with a death of a loved one. That's how good she is.
I think the rules say that I need to carry the flame and give this to three of my favorite blogs. It wasn't easy choosing them because I follow some amazing peeps, but here goes:
"Do not quench your inspiration and your imagination; do not become the slave of your model." ~ Vincent van Gogh
Sitting here. Trying to spin poetry. Wondering why I cannot hold onto an idea, a theme. Then I realize that it's time to put poetry to the side while I get out there and live. Create new memories. Experience new truths. Discover falsehoods. When the well runs dry, the only thing to do is search for more water. The key being that while I'm out there searching for more water, my well will begin replenishing itself.
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~ e. e. cummings
My restlessness is pushing at me again. It's time for a major change or a depression. So, I choose change. I want to spend my time encouraging people with psychiatric issues to express themselves creatively as an emotional outlet. That's the general idea anyway. I'll probably start with volunteer work. I have to research what's available in the area.
An ignorance weighs down my soul
A yearning dribbles from my bones
Frustration screams along the floors
And obstinacy roosts itself
Beside my good intentions and
I know it's time.
As ideation stagnates here
A tide's amiss, and beckons me
To follow into choppy seas
And float above the desert lands
A wind to chase away the blues
I know it's time.
I remember a kiss beside a piped fence,
a forbidden dance, rebelled against.
I remember a rose and eleven more,
a desk defaced with silly discourse.
Do you remember our trek in nature's glen,
a birdsong among desire's last yen?
Do you remember the day we called in sick,
loving each other from noon till six?
I remember treasures you gifted to me,
the cheesy trinkets, of me you'd see.
I remember my hammock from which we fell,
our sweet giggle fits and laughter's swell.
Do you remember playing at midnight late,
a park, on a slide, on our first date?
Do you remember our gourmet dinner feast,
beget by you, devoured by me?
...p.s. nostalgia is a beautiful place to visit from time to time. these sweet memories are like adornments. precious lace to run through your fingers and rub against your cheek when you get the itch. they adorn the present, as we use their patterns to weave new delicate memories...adding today to our collection of yesteryear.
"I've overcome neglect and deprivation, abandonment and abuse."~ Tatum O'Neal
When you've compromised your own values and judgments for the sake of keeping an attachment and when they've left you anyway, the anger is mixed with fear and then with shame. What makes it even worse is that in your rational brain you know your reaction is way over the top to what has actually occurred, but the pain and the fear latch onto something so deep, so buried in the core of you that you have so little control over it. You can't let it take you to that abyss you've spent a lifetime building fences around. If your not careful, if you stop resisting the pull, you will fall in and you could lose yourself completely.
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star, twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge." ~ Lord Byron
Sometimes I feel that my pursuits in life are misguided by romantic notions and childhood dreams; wondering how I can always continually pursue and believe in silly notions of love and peace, especially when life reminds me on a daily basis that these two things are illusions. I began to think of all the awesome theories and laws man has discovered about the universe; one being that nothing is constant. Laws that were true thousands of years ago were usurped by a star falling on an unsuspecting genius, ready to expand our universe with his enlightenment.
........................................................... Why do I store my dreams in make-believe? Am I waiting for a star to fall on me? So that my fiction becomes fact? The impossible comes to be?
Is this what makes the universe expand? Heaven and nature breaking their pact? The impossible comes to be? So that my fiction becomes fact?
What proof, that natural laws break? Quantum theory and relativity? So that my fiction becomes fact? The impossible comes to be?
"Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter. Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. Poems and songs with pipes and drums. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes...That's the Irish for you!" ~ Old Irish Saying
The leprechaun made my night, with the exception that I forgot to put my charged battery into my camera and therefore I have no proof. I was at the local coffee shop which had a line-up of bands to entertain me for the evening, and I was the only nerd with my computer. One of the bands was from Dublin, thus explaining the leprechaun. No picture needed. Hmmm...I wonder...was he there looking for a pot of gold? Should I have searched for it? I'll be cheesy and say the pot of gold was the beautiful evening, the excellent music, the amusing crowd, and the almost full moon.
Eventually a couple of friends met up with me and seeing that one of them was 11 years-old, I was challenged to a game of Candy Land and lost. Very gracefully too. I might have finally out grown temper tantrums. Maybe.
"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down." Arnold H. Glasgow
An unexpected visit from a friend combined with a day spent wandering the streets of a music festival has left me with a tired smile. It's also rumored that my heart grew three sizes yesterday. I'm just hoping that my waistline doesn't follow suit.
We drank, we ate, we spotted a dead on ringer for Dr. Spencer Reid from the TV show Criminal Minds. (Who knows, it could have actually been him). We took in the various music styles offered at the free venues. We bar hopped. We laughed. We delighted in watching the array of people who crossed our path. We bonded.
In the natural order of things, to balance the beauty of the day, my keys escaped my purse and have not been seen since. We didn't even mind. Giggling like school girls, we waited at my car for one of the girls' husbands to rescue us.
"I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes." ~ Bette Midler
Idle melancholy. That's the mixed bag I have at the moment. I can handle this better than the anxious uncertainty that has been haunting me the last few days. The general mood of me is such a delicate balance of all things currently affecting me and all things that have affected me, I'm never completely sure which grain of sand has disrupted the scales.
Balance. There is balance in this choppy sea I rock in. There is a peace about me at this very moment, that I'd do well to embrace. So, this is my embrace. In the end it will be okay. There are people in the world who may not understand or even like me, but they do love me. That's a sort of balance I can adjust my own internal love to.
"And I've been walking 'round with memories way too long" ~ Iris DeMent
Days are tired and run into each other. I trip over them, not looking, just blindly getting through. The gems that are given me right now don't sparkle, but I know they will, soon. I'm happy to have them. They are my hope. They bring smiles to offset my empty tears. I'm not depressed exactly, just tired and anxious.
I don't think about him as often. His importance has fallen in the hierarchy of my thoughts. I escaped fairly unscathed this time. Aspirations of love, beautiful illusions though they are, can distort the reality of it. Time spent dreaming of someone who dreams of another is a bad habit that can be broken, a destructive game that can't be won, only walked away from.
I'm a walkin'.
Comfort found in space, time, walking away.
"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." ~ David Grayson
This entire week I have felt off. Monday was anxiety and confusion. Tuesday, anxiety, tears, growth, empathy, and by Wednesday, utter and entire physical and mental exhaustion. Thursday gave me the shakes and dizziness with Friday waking me up with the taste of bronchitis coming on. All this caused by lack of sleep with a touch of heartache.
"Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning, you got off to a bad start...in the middle of the season, you're in a slump...at the end, you're choking." ~ Gene Mauch
The last time I wrote, I was in a manic stupor of surging chemistry and then today I can barely hold my eyes open. My brain, rather than being smothered by euphoria, is choking on memories of you. I really wished you could have loved me. You were rather nice to have around.
"Everything is complicated; if that were not so, life and poetry and everything else would be a bore." ~ Wallace Stevens
Life is so outrageously complicated. The infinite possibilities of human relationships due to love, scorn, courtrooms, trust, fear, taxes, lust, hate, vacations, truth, lies, hairstyles, help, guilt, waistlines, etc. is complicated. I love and hate this journey that I'm on; but it's my journey and I'll take it.
"I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unattractive, beautiful, lazy and driven." ~ Barbra Streisand
The feelings are raw and intense. They always have been. While wine connoisseurs are born with a heightened palate and musicians with astute hearing, neurotics are born with extrasensory emotional sensitivities that can leave us disabled if we neglect or disown this very real part of ourselves.
Embrace it. The good, bad and ugly of it. Embrace the privileges it gives us. Acknowledge the bad for what it is, a severe allergic reaction to our environment; and when the ugly rears its face, respect its power and get help. Call a hot-line. Join an on-line support group. See your doctor. Take a few days to rest and get well. If at all possible surround yourself with trusted loved ones and if this isn't possible, then try to get out to a coffee shop or a park.
I'm finally learning to love all my endearing quirks rather than trying to keep them locked away in a closet while my soul slowly starts losing it's life line and depression is the only friend that sticks around.
My ex-fiancée and I had a volatile relationship which my dreams usually reflect when he's in them. Last night was different. There was a distance between us in the dream, but also there was an unspoken commitment.
If the people in our dreams are actually a reflection of an aspect of ourselves, then I believe he might represent a side of me that is harsh, judgmental, and unforgiving. He usually leaves me for someone he's been having an affair with.
So, last night, in my dream, he came home when he was suppose to and we talked about our day. The conversation was strained, but there was an underlying trust.
Maybe I'm starting to trust myself a little. Nice.