Monday, May 2, 2011

Taunts

with a dismissal, i crumble
the repeated pattern of it
setting myself up for it
for rejection after rejection
unceasingly picking at a wound
open, moving, falling under

letting it absorb me into its depths
and i sit here and wonder

how i can continually hurt myself
over and over and over
never stopping, never letting up
waiting for the ultimate elimination.
that severing of a friendship
and knowing that i deserve it

because i set myself up
reaching out in a momentary fit

the itch was too strong,
the depression too deep
the habit too ingrained in me
at this point in my life
and for once i prefer the silence
to an answer because i don't want

a bad answer, the wrong answer
to my game, my constant taunt

a game that i keep losing
i can't sit with these bad feelings.
i can't sit with good ones either.
i'm hyper-vigilant trying to
calm down, cheer up, chill out
anything other than what i'm feeling

never allowed to just sit and encounter
never allowed to give into any healing

4 comments:

  1. this is a sad one to me...maybe its b/c i am at the hospital with a kid right now and in many ways you are channeling the feelings i am getting from him right now...

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your kid. This is a sad one. Move uplifting ones to come soon enough I'm sure, I hope.

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  3. "and knowing that i deserve it..." not if, but when; always waiting for it.

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  4. healing is something we sometimes have
    to give in to, isn't it.
    funny that.
    loved that line.
    your poetry stirs me.
    -Jennifer

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